My lovely readers, this week is the fourth and final installment of The Romance of Consent. We’ve looked at an example of consent in a kiss scene, what not to do when writing consent, and how context and body language matter to sex and romance. This week, I want to cover the unique considerations of characters who are already in established relationships and have history together.

If you are in a relationship, think back to your first kiss with your partner. What did you both say? What behaviors and choices led to that moment? Now think about kissing them today. A kiss today would be very different from the first kiss. There wouldn’t need to be the same buildup, and you probably wouldn’t have the same nerves or concerns. If you’re used to goodbye or goodnight kisses, you might not even think about the kiss at all.

Characters in relationships are the same way. Two people who have kissed or had sex before will behave and speak differently around each other the next time. Over time, especially if they communicate certain boundaries and expectations like labels or exclusivity, the conversations and buildup necessary before physical interactions would change.

Consent Castles

My favorite way of explaining this change is the Castle of Consent. This isn’t my idea; it’s the work of Robot Hugs (a webcomic) and educational platform Everyday Feminism. “Consent Castle” is an old Robot Hugs strip from 2016 that has stuck with me. I’ve included the original webcomic at the end of this post; you should read it! (All credit to Robot Hugs.)

The idea: building consent in a relationship is like building a castle together. At the beginning, you discuss ideas at length, take precautions, communicate everything, and go slow. But once the castle is built, you don’t have to wear a hard hat in every room. Similarly, once your physical relationship has been built, interactions you’ve had several times before (and know your partner likes) don’t have to be communicated before each instance.

As the creator of the comic put it:

People who have been partnered for 20 years sure as heck don’t negotiate sex and intimacy the same way that people who have met just do, and it would be ridiculous to suggest that they should. As our relationships change, we can use consent activities to build a structure that lets us make assumptions about what the other person wants.

– Robot Hugs

How does that translate into fiction?

Personally, I think this is one of the easiest parts of writing consent. The hard part, like in real life, is initial communication and building the foundation. Once that’s done, you get to just have fun! Characters can flirt, and kiss, and have steamy scenes together with the backdrop of readers knowing consent has already been established.

Let’s keep something clear: being in a relationship does not equate consent. Even if a person has enjoyed something 50 times with their partner, a single no (or safe word) means an immediate cease to the activity — in fiction and reality. (The only appropriate exceptions are stories dealing intentionally with assault, or stories written for the non-consensual subgenre of erotica or romance.) But when two people have done the deed three times in your book, you don’t need to show verbal consent before the fourth scene. Let art mimic life, and let the interaction happen naturally.

Go forth and write!

This series wasn’t a deep-dive look into every possible piece of every consent scene you could need. I just wanted to discuss an overview of the concept of consent in fictional romance. I hope the points we covered are useful for you.

P.S. Before you leave…

Did you know I offer editing and writing services? If you need feedback on a sex or romance scene in a young adult or new adult work, I can help! Send me an email at emeryrachellewrites@gmail.com or use my contact form to get in touch.

Robot Hugs’ full Consent Castles comic: