Good evening, my lovely readers. This month we’ve been walking through the concept of consent in romantic or sexy fiction. We’ve covered a basic example of consent in a first kiss scene and a list of what not to do.

This week, let’s take a look at how the context of a scene and cues like body language and nonverbal communication play a part in the romance of consent.

Storytime: A handsome man and a beautiful woman sit next to each other at a bar. He buys her a drink. They strike up a conversation. She smiles, laughs. He touches her arm. She leans into him. A few hours later, he invites her out for a walk. She accepts. He slides his hand into hers, and she intertwines their fingers. They stop by a park bench under a pretty tree. Their eyes meet. Her breath quickens. She bites her lip. He leans in and kisses her.

Did he ask before kissing her? It’s my story, so as the writer, let’s say no. He just “went for it.”

Is that a romantic move? Or assault? We can all recognize this scene from plenty of movies and books in existence, but is it outdated and inappropriate or a true classic?

Let’s take a look.

Body language

“Consent does not have to be verbal, but there needs to be a moment where the other shows enthusiasm for advances made.” This comment from Twitter user @WillemVerheij85 is pretty solid writing advice, as a general statement. There doesn’t have to be a “May I?”/”Yes!” exchange for every kiss, but there do need to be clear signs that everyone in the scene is on the same page.

Smiles, encouraging looks, and physical touch like bumping knees under the table or brushing against your crush’s arm are all basic Flirting 101. When with a new character, someone your main character has just met, I would say — generally speaking — that these things alone do not add up to consent for a kiss (and definitely not for sex). There are exceptions, of course. But these physical cues are tools in the writer’s toolbox for building toward more and establishing a foundation of enthusiasm and clear interest.

In an established relationship, these could equal consent. It depends on the scene. But I would only say that about characters who already know each other somehow (friends, people on a second+ date, etc.), because they have learned about each other’s body language, boundaries, and communication styles at least a little. We’ll talk more about established relationships and long-term consent dynamics next week.

Context

What is a character consenting to? A first kiss and a BDSM encounter require very different things to qualify as clear, enthusiastic consent. Any kinky activities need to have some clear conversation laying out boundaries and expectations before jumping in.

Pay attention to pacing, too, in both the specific scene and the whole story. What has led up to this moment? What signs have we seen building up that make it obvious both characters actively want this? Again, this is as much about writing quality as consent. Don’t go straight for sex; make the readers and characters earn it. Build the tension and relationship foundation. And give the characters the opportunity to show they want to keep going — or the chance to opt out — every step of the way.

Some settings require more creative ways of communicating consent. In a more explicit novel of the kinky variety, characters may not be in a position to speak at all. (I.e., they’re gagged.) In that case, a certain agreed-upon hand movement or a dropped handkerchief can be established ways of communicating.

In more traditional romance, perhaps two characters have snuck in somewhere and have to keep silent, but this is the big kiss scene! How will they know they have the green light? Context + body language = kismet. Person A smiles, keeps eye contact a minute too long. Person B bites their lip. Person B leans into Person A’s space. Person A leans forward to meet them. Person B closes their eyes, Person A follows suit, and bam — the big, magical kiss. Not a word spoken, but a step by step progression built up to the silent yes, with opportunities for each character to back out on the way.

Characterization

Some characters are talkative, enthusiastic, communicative, bold. Others are… not those things. A shy, quiet leading lady or inexperienced gentleman caller may need a little help figuring out how to communicate what they want. A teen girl raised in a strict home might not have the confidence to express clearly that she wants this girl bad. A guy who’s never been kissed may not have the right words to ask boldly and beautifully for his big moment with his love interest.

I can’t tell you specifically how to handle these situations, because every character is different. People are different! And details like time period and setting also play into how these characters would behave and communicate. My point in bringing this up is that you as a writer need to factor the character’s motivations, desires, and comfort level into account when deciding how to write the kiss or sex scene.

Fiction vs. reality

This is the most important part we’ll cover today. There is a point when fantasy, escapism, suspension of disbelief, and storytelling have to fill some creative gaps.

In the real world, body language and nonverbal communication can always be mistaken or misinterpreted (see this article by a neuroscientist about how what we want influences what we see). Cues that may seem encouraging — smiles, laughter, friendly behavior — could actually be self-preservation from a scared or intimidated stranger. A person’s fight-or-flight instinct could trigger “freeze,” and suddenly they’re going along with things they really don’t want to. Culture can also influence how two different people interpret the same body language or facial expression.

I speak from experience here. I have had very creepy men do very uncomfortable things in public; my knee-jerk response was a friendly laugh until I could get the hell out of the situation. It’s how those of us assigned female at birth or perceived as female are culturally conditioned to behave in threatening situations. Our first choice is whatever will keep us safe, which is usually whatever defuses tension and keeps the potentially dangerous offender happy.

In books, it’s different. The writer and readers can see inside the characters’ heads. Especially in romance, we often know where the story is headed already. We know those smiles are genuine and that character is silently begging for a kiss. But in real life? There’s no narrator making sure everyone at the bar is on the same page.

Ultimately, it’s up to you as the writer to determine where to draw the line between reality and fiction. You’ll have to recognize what your readers want and expect, and know what is appropriate for your work.

The romance genre has clear, defined expectations and boundaries, with a lot of room for fantasy and escapism. And look at omegaverse, the currently hot topic of romance and erotica discussions online (if you have no idea what I’m talking about, see this video for context – but beware, not safe for work). Readers of that genre expect domination, blurry boundaries, “non-con” (shorthand for non-consensual) scenes. We talked last week about how lack of consent can be an active choice writers make for scenes in stories like those.

In YA fiction, the genre tends more toward realism and grappling with realistic conversations of consent — but it depends on the subgenre. YA contemporary romance? Bring on the flirting and first kisses. (I’d better see some clear consent — perhaps with some fumbling and learning as they go — before hopping into bed.)

It’s your job as a writer to know your genre, and to listen to beta readers, critique partners, or editors who point out when something doesn’t fit.

So back to our imaginary couple. They flirted, they went for a walk, and he kissed her without asking. Was that okay? Was it sweet? Was it unacceptable?

Well, the short answer is: not enough information. (But in my head, it was a pretty cute moment.)

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